The Domestic Avengers in: The Babysitting Dilemna
by Statues Of Misery
Summary: In which Steve and Tony ask Loki to babysit Peter, whilst Thor tags along and basically gets in the way. AU, slightly crackish; StevexTony


**Keyboard mashing may be a requirement in this story, for it is the tale of when Loki was asked to babysit Peter by a doubtful Steve and Tony to prove his trustworthiness, and Thor decided that he would assist his brother in such a momentous task, one to prove his worth to the Midgardian peeps.**

* * *

Loki loves kids, and is happy to do this - it doesn't mean he isn't evil, mind you. Thor loves his brother, and seriously just wants to spend some time with him that does not involve destruction of some sort. Peter is incredibly insulted by the implication that he can't be left alone.

"DAD I'm, like, 16, I don't need a babysitter."

But the last time they left him home alone, half of the city was destroyed, not to mention Tony's favourite Bugatti (or whatever type of car it was, I mean, he owns like 50, you'd think he wouldn't mind, but NO, apparently that one was special, he even had a name for it, CHARLES or something).

Steve tactfully reminds Peter of this previous event (with Tony's less tactful input). "He was my favourite car Peter, and you ruined him for me!"

"Oh come on! That wasn't even my fault!"

"Oh, I'm sure there's some plausible excuse as to why my car ended up on the Empire State Building, COVERED IN WEBBING!

"Look, it doesn't matter whose fault it was," Steve interjects, "We just think it would be a good idea if you had some, say, back-up, in case something like that comes up again, okay?"

"But why Uncle Thor, and Loki? I mean, they're not exactly who I'd call 'reliable'."

"Loki is good with kids, okay? He's got enough of them himself, and he can handle anything that gets thrown your way besides. And, well, it's really hard to discourage Thor once he sets his mind to something."

"Like that time with the beer and the college co-eds? Ah, good times, good times." Tony says with a cheeky grin. Steve blushes furiously and elbows Tony - hard - before throwing a furtive glance at Peter, who is suddenly very, very attentive.

Tony winces, because _ouch_, sometimes Steve forgets not everyone is a Super Soldier. He rubs his arm, before pouting furiously at the Captain who immediately reacts to the injured puppy face that Tony is milking for all its worth.

With Steve distracted, Tony winks at Peter and and mouths a quick '_later_' at him. Peter grins. Tony always has the best stories.

Enter Thor and Loki, the Asgardian gods, who are really aliens but who act like they're gods even though they're not, which has always confused poor Peter.

Once having decided that Tony is, in fact, okay (he might have a bruise, but they could worry about that later), Steve instructs Loki on the things Peter absolutely COULD NOT DO.

"No web-slinging. No sugar. Keep him away from Tony's cars. And Tony's lab-"

"DO NOT LET HIM OR THOR IN MY LAB. YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU STAY OUT TOO. NO ONE IN MY LAB BUT ME."

"Or Miss Potts, sir."

"Thanks Jarvis. Only me or Pepper in my lab."

The Captain continues as though nothing has happened. "-No girls. Thor that rule applies to you too. And especially, NO DESTROYING THE CITY. Oh and his bedtime is at ten, and it's a schoolnight, so no going out."

Peter rolls his eyes. Steve worries way too much. If he weren't, you know,_ Captain__America_, he probably would have worried himself to death ages ago, between him and Tony.

Tony cocks his head at the two Asgardians and smiles. "Play nice guys."

As the two heroes head for the elevator, Steve leans towards Tony, and whispers, "What are the chances that we'll come back and everything will be fine?"

Tony just smiles and ushers Steve into the elevator, eager for their night to begin.

Meanwhile, back in the room, Loki and Peter are eyeing each other cautiously, Peter having heard a LOT about Loki's exploits from Clint, and Loki just trying to figure the boy out.

They are quickly interrupted by Thor, who claps them both on the shoulder (Peter nearly falls from the force of it.)

"MY FRIENDS," he booms out, "NOW THAT THE CAPTAIN AND THE MAN OF IRON HAVE LEFT, PRAY TELL, WHAT ACTIVITIES SHALL WE PARTAKE IN."

Loki straightens himself and roll his eyes at his brother. "WE shall not be partaking in any activities, you have in mind."

"But the Lady Darcy informed me-"

"-We are here to mind the Midgardian boy for the Captain, and that is all we shall be doing."

"Um, I'm right here, you know." Peter looks between the two men, and waves a hand. Thor, being the idiot he is when it comes to Midgardian gestures, waves back which in turn makes the teenaged boy quite confused.

Loki resists the urge to facepalm. No matter how appropriate the Midgardian action seems, he will not degrade himself like that.

"Whatever. I'm going to go. And study. In my room. Alone." Peter makes to leave the room, but Thor is right behind him. Peter does a double take. "How-?"

"THE CAPTAIN AND THE MAN OF IRON TOLD US TO WATCH YOU AND WATCH YOU WE WILL. YOU SHALL NOT ESCAPE MY EAGLE-EYED GAZE."

Peter turns to the God of Mischief, who shrugs before sitting down on the lounge. He's content to just sit and watch the events unfold.

The teenager turns back to Thor who grins at him boisterously before clapping him on the back. Again, Peter nearly falls down from the sheer force of the friendly gesture.

"COME LITTLE MIDGARDIAN CHILD-"

"Child? Who are you calling a child? I'm 16 for God's sake!"

"SIT WITH US, AND TELL US OF THINE EXPLOITS HERE IN MIDGARD. PERHAPS A FAIR MAIDEN MAY HAVE CAUGHT THINE INTEREST?"

Peter squirms uncomfortably in the lounge, having been basically shoved onto it by Thor's brute strength, and looks for an escape route. Loki sighs before crossing his legs and leaning forward. "Thor, brother, I think that the Midgardian child would like to leave your company so as to expand his intellectual horizons."

Grateful, the teen flees from the room, leaving a dejected Thor and a calm Loki alone together. Loki looks over at Thor and rolls his eyes yet again - the look that Thor is using is equivalent to a child that has been told that they cannot play on the swingset - before turning to the massive plasma TV set that Tony is insanely proud of, though Steve doesn't really understand why.

Peter is in his room - door locked, because his uncles are incredibly strange and wouldn't hesitate on barging into his room (well, Loki probably would knock at least, but that's because he's better mannered than Thor) - when he gets a text from Gwen.

_Do you wanna come hang out? _

Peter hesitates, looking at his door. He can vaguely hear Thor and Loki arguing over something, muffled as it is. They sound like they won't notice him missing, for a little while at least. Ignoring the gnawing feeling in his stomach that's a result of the guilt that he feels because he's disobeying his dads' rules, he sends off a quick text to Gwen

"Hey, Jarvis?"

"Yes, Master Parker?"

"I'm going out for a bit. Don't tell Thor and Loki, please?"

"You know I am required to inform them if you leave, Master Parker."

"Aw, Jarvis, come on. They won't even know, promise."

Jarvis makes a sound that is suspiciously similar to a sigh.

"Perhaps I can overlook this for now. As long as you return before nightfall."

"Thanks Jarvis, you're the best."

Grabbing his backpack with his suit, and creeps out the window.

Of course, whilst all this is happening, Thor and Loki are arguing over what to do whilst the Midgardian boy is in his room without them.

Suddenly, in the middle of their argument, Loki pauses, abruptly alerted that their young charge has left the building, thanks to the handy spell monnitoring the boy's location that he may have cast on him.

Thor is shocked by Loki's sudden surrender - never has he won a battle of the words against his brother. Loki is, afterall, blessed with a silver tongue.

"BROTHER," Thor says, worried, "IS EVERYTHING WELL?"

"Hmm?" Loki looks back at his brother. "Oh yes, everything is fine. I believe the boy has just left the building, however."

"WHAT? WHY DID THE SPEAKING DWELLING NOT INFORM US OF HIS ABSENCE?"

Jarvis quietly interjects. "The young master asked that his departure remain unannounced. I believe he has gone to visit the young Miss Stacy.

Thor immediately leaps to his feet. "A YOUNG MAIDEN! WHY DID HE NOT INFORM US OF THIS?"

Loki sighs. "Honestly, the child does not know who it is that he is dealing with."

Thor is, of course, ignoring his brother.

"COME BROTHER, WE MUST FIND THE SON OF THE CAPTAIN AND THE MAN OF IRON. WE VOWED TO KEEP WATCH OVER HIM UNTIL THEY SHOULD RETURN. WE MUST FULFIL THIS DUTY."

"Honestly, I'm sure he is fine," Loki mutters to himself. He stretches like a cat, before slowly standing up. He gestures to the elevator. "If you are that concerned over the Midgardian boy, why not search for him? He cannot have travelled an incredible distance in such a short span of time."

He doesn't mention the tracking spell. If the boy really is visiting a young girl, as the Midgardian technology claimed, an interruption involving Thor would certainly be unwelcome. Thor bounds towards the elevator doors, Mjolnr in hand and cape swooping majestically behind him as Loki trails lazily behind.

Thankfully, they are not required to actually operate the elevator, as Jarvis knew where to take them. This did not prevent Thor from pressing all the buttons he could find, to Jarvis' gentle protests (Please sir, if you could leave that alone -). The elevator music, and the constant stopping, not to mention Thor's incessant bobbing was certainly going to drive Loki to murder. Again. Or at least mass destruction. Again.

Finally, and thankfully, their elevator trip ended. Although what little of Loki's sanity that remained and his patience were completely shredded by that point. Thor insisted on sprinting out of the tower and straight into the middle of the busy road.

"MAN OF THE SPIDER! WHERE ART THOU?"

A taxi slams its brakes on as the blond Asgardian bellows into the busy New York traffic. Loki, again resists the urge to employ the Midgardian technique of the 'facepalm', opting instead to pinch the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

"Get off the road you drunken idiot!" A chorus of car horns join the voice as Thor is bombarded insults and objects. Thor turned to the yellow taxi, and his voice boomed like the thunder that he commanded.

"WHO IS THIS DRUNKEN IDIOT THAT YOU SPEAK OF? I AM THOR, SON OF ODIN, AND YOU TINY MIDGARDIAN MAN SHOULD MIND THY TONGUE, LEST I REMOVE IT FROM THY HEAD!"

Loki resists the urge to grind his teeth. He should be used to Thor's more idiotic qualities, but it does still have the ability to irk him. He steps towards Thor, who is threateningly pointing Mjolnr at the taxi driver.

"Thor, please, come away from the Midgardian vehicle. We cannot search for the boy if you insist on challenging each and every being which crosses your path." Thor looks at Loki, then back at the taxi driver, before lowering the giant hammer.

"IT IS LUCK THAT HAS SAVED YOU, MORTAL, FROM HAVING TO FACE MY WRATH! LUCK AND MY BROTHER'S SILVER TONGUE." Thor turns abruptly away from the cab, and points. "COME BROTHER, LET US CONTINUE THE SEARCH FOR THE CHILD OF THE CAPTAIN AND MAN OF IRON! WE ARE DUTYBOUND AFTER ALL."

Loki simply rolls his eyes as the blond god barrels down the busy streets, nearly trampling dozens of Midgardians in the process. He looks above him at the night sky. How long does a Midgardian boy require to court his intended? He looks back at his brother, who had proceeded to climb a lamp post, and decides that this interlude was probably long enough.

"Oh Thor," He calls, a wicked grin playing over his features. "I know where young Peter is."

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other side of Manhattan, Peter and Gwen are just surfacing from an intense make-out session.

"Hey," Gwen says quietly.

Peter smiles. "Hey."

"Do you think you should be heading back?" Peter raises an eyebrow at the blonde as a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth.

"Please, they don't even know that I'm gone."

Gwen rolls her eyes, but doesn't protest when Peter starts kissing her again. It would be Peter's problem anyway, not her's.

* * *

"Tony, I'm not sure we should have left Peter with Loki and Thor..."

Tony sighs. "Steve, baby, listen to me. They. Are. Fine. Thor's probably broken some windows with his voice and Loki's probably teaching Peter some tri-" Tony pauses. At the increasingly worried looks Steve's adopting, he gets the feeling that he shouldn't mention Loki teaching Peter _anything_. "You know what, how about some dessert? I've been told that the apple pie here is _fantastic_. _Orgasmic_ even." A simple wink tacked onto that statement disarms the Captain entirely.

With Steve blushing and sputtering, Tony smirks to himself. Oh yeah, he's still got it.

* * *

Meanwhile, a disgruntled Loki currently has two problems.

One, the Midgard child has not yet returned - that is, his signature had not yet returned to the Stark Tower.

Two, his plan to distract Thor has backfired. Badly. He currently has absolutely no idea where Thor had gotten too. And this is bad. Very, very bad. Verging on the catastrophic. He curses himself for not placing a tracking spell on Thor as well, but he hadn't anticipated that his brother would get away from him so quickly. He did tend to stand out in a crowd.

What with the cape, and the hammer, and the FACT THAT HE IS A FREAKIN' DEMIGOD! With an inability to understand the concept of an 'inside voice'. And a tendency to overindulge in alcohol and food. Mostly alcohol though.

A couple of blocks, and a lot of angry glares, later, Loki finds his brother in the arms of, no less, three 'companions'.

"BROTHER, THESE FINE YOUNG MAIDENS HAVE AGREED TO JOIN US IN OUR SEARCH FOR THE WAYWARD MAN OF THE SPIDER."

Loki eyes the three, ah, 'maidens'. They leer provocatively at him, one licking their lips in an obviously predatory manner. There was more skin showing than he was honestly comfortable with. He clears his throat, and looks at his brother who was beaming like a Midgardian child at Christmas.

"Thor, perhaps these 'fine, young maidens' aren't as fine or as young as they have led you to believe?" Loki suggests as Thor furrows his brow in confusion. He glances at the three ladies, one of them winking lewdly at him.

"WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING BROTHER? DO YOU INSULT THE VIRTUE OF THESE MAIDENS?"

Loki wishes there were a wall nearby that he could bash his head against, without looking insane.

"Look, brother, perhaps we should regroup back at the boy's home? I'm sure these 'maidens' have some business which they must attend to."

The oldest of the 'maidens' slurs out a few words that even Loki wouldn't repeat before sliding off of Thor's trunk-like biceps, the other two following her lead, sashaying away from the dejected blonde Asgardian. One throws a pout over her shoulder to Thor, who reciprocates with a wave and a promise.

"FEAR NOT MAIDENS, I PROMISE TO THEE, THAT I WILL RETURN UPON THE COMPLETION OF MY WORTHY QUEST!"

If Loki could get headaches, he could have sworn that he had one.

"Thor, why do you pursue such women? Surely the young Lady Jane would be displeased with the attentions that you are bestowing on others that are not she?"

Thor frowned. "BROTHER, DO YOU SUGGEST I WOULD LOOK UPON THOSE WOMEN AS I LOOK UPON JANE? NAY, YOU JUDGE ME WRONG BROTHER. JANE IS THE ONLY ONE TO WHOM I WOULD EVER CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE WORTHY OF."

If that wasn't enough to make Loki want to vomit, a quick glance at the other 'maidens' soon did the trick.

With the memory of far too tight attire and vulgar makeup fresh within his mind, the irritated God of Mischief led his brother away from the red light district, as he had heard the Midgardians refer to it.

It's almost ten by the time the two Asgardian babysitters arrive back at Stark Tower, which displeases Loki to no end. This was not how he had planned on spending his evening.

He would have done so with perhaps a book, or a little bit of light entertainment, NOT traipsing around New York after a super-powered brat whilst also minding his naive Asgardian brother. When he got his hands on young Peter, there would be only _pain_.

A smirk graces his face as he sinks into the comfortable lounge chair in the living room, crossing his legs and watching as Thor elegantly falls onto the sofa. It's not long before his snores are rattling the tables. Possibly even the windows.

JARVIS' refined English voice speaks from the corners of the room. "Sir, I do believe that Masters Tony and Steve have entered the building."

Loki exhales slowly, eyes pressed shut. "Thank you, ghost of Jarvis.:

"But sir, as I keep informing you, I am not a ghost, I am an Artificial Intelligence created by..."

Loki ignores the voice, instead focusing on the spell he had placed on his charge. And freezes.

In all the excitement, Loki had lost hold of the tracking spell he had placed on the boy. He had no idea where he was. How he was going to explain this he had no idea. Hearing the elevator come to a stop, he rose slowly to his feet.

It was time to face the music. Or at least, the parents.

Steve and Tony exit the elevator noisily, with Steve's arm wrapped loosely around Tony's waist and the duo holding hands, its almost difficult to tell where the men begin and end.

'At least,' Loki thinks sourly, 'somebody got to enjoy themselves tonight.'

It's a few moments before the couple notice the God before them, caught up in each other as they are. Even then, it takes a few haughty glares, and a clearing of the throat before they offer him their full attention.

"Oh, Loki, we didn't see you there," Steve says, blushing. "How was Peter? Not too much trouble, I hope."

Loki hesitates. This will have to be handled very delicately. Like when ripping off a bandaid. Best to do it all at once. He opens his mouth, ready to answer, when Tony pushes past him to stare perplexedly at Thor, asleep on the couch. He pokes the snoring God lightly, then more forcefully.

"Wow, he really wore you guys out, huh?"

"About that," Loki says, voice deceptively light. "You see, Peter-"

"Hey dads'." A certain teenager's voice sounds from the kitchen. "I thought I heard you guys come in. I was just about to head to bed."

Steve beams, and turns to head into the kitchen. Loki stands there flabbergasted. The little brat had pulled it off. Shaking his head with a mixture of annoyance and what he thinks might be pride, he turns back to Tony, who is still poking Thor.

"What the hell did you guys get up to? You know what, nevermind, I don't think I want to know." He peers at a strange coloured mark on the back of Thor's neck, before throwing his hands up in the air. "Definitely do _not_ want to know."

Loki sighs in relief as the man heads into the kitchen to join his partner and son, whilst a still comatose Thor let out yet another earth-rumbling snore.

Job, done. And the city didn't get destroyed. A bonus.

"G'night, Loki. Thanks for looking after me. We should do this again sometime." With a cheeky grin, Peter winks at the God before heading off to his room. Loki resists the urge to growl, aware that Steve and Tony had followed their son out of the kitchen.

"So, Loki, how _would_ you feel about babysitting for us again?"

"_NO." _

Steve blinks. He hadn't quite been expecting an answer quite like that. Tony smirks.

Loki takes a calming breath. "My apologies. I thank you for placing your trust in me, but I feel that my presence is... unnecessary. Peter is more than capable of looking after himself." _Trust me_, he adds silently.

There are a few moments of silence before Loki obviously decides that he can leave.

"If you'll excuse me," he says with a bow. "I fear I must depart."

With a parting glare at Thor, he vanishes, leaving a still confused Steve and a smug Tony.

"What do you think that was all about?" Steve asks Tony quietly.

Tony shrugs, smirk firmly in place. "I have a feeling that Peter might have gotten one over the God of Mischief."

Thor's snores cannot overpower the laughter that explodes from the two men, echoing throughout the tower. In his sleep, Peter smiles.


End file.
